please.

to everyone who's been reading this blog and somehow has a twisted image of how our relationship is like currently, please stop all your witless thoughts and know this. alfiyan is the best boyfriend (as i have mentioned in this blog countless of times), any girl could have ever wished for and that will never change despite all the downs that we've been through.

if i do blog negatively about my darling, do try to squeeze as much of the little brain juice that you have (i do deeply sympathize for you. really). understand that this blog is just an outlet for all my frustrations during the short periods that i am unhappy with him. isn't it, after all, normal for relationships to have their ups and downs? unless, of course, you are stupid enough to think that YOUR relationship is always perfectly happy. hah! your partner is probably screwing your best friend behind your back.

your judgmental attitude is just a reflection of how immature and naive you are, for not knowing that there are always two sides of a story and that this is just MY point of view. so please, think critically now and then. but oh, wait. maybe you just aren't capable of such intellect?

and never try to use what i write in this blog to bring alfiyan and i apart because our relationship is too strong to be shaken by such a minor thing (despite what all you imbeciles have been discussing about us going to break up soon enough).

anw baby, if you're reading this, know that you're the most awesome, sweetest and thoughtful guy (as well as sexy heheh) that i've ever met in my entire life. and i love you sooo much! =)=)

oh no! my poor baby just called saying that he is locked out of his house and to make matters worse, his hp battery is flat, which means that he couldn't call any of his family members! so he had to walk all the way from his house at jalan tenaga to bedok reservoir looking for a payphone, after which he called me.

so poor thing lah he. :( i wish i could've been there to give him a giant hug and to accompany him whilst waiting for his family to return home.

an all-in-all good day.

james morrison's the pieces don't fit anymore is just so sad.

today i spent much of the earlier part of the day with ella, which i found very refreshing and fun compared to my usual solitude whenever i am in nus. :) but, as always, i felt damn selenger (as i always do whenever i am in the company of cool people) cuz i was so conscious of whatever i was saying and even more so when i couldn't get my words out properly.

i wish i was more self-confident and cool. hahah. oh, well. i guess some things aren't meant to be.

anw, alfiyan and i finally had a proper dinner date after god knows how long! :):) we totally splurged (more so for him) at pastamania, and it didn't end there. after we gobbled down our cream chicken and marinara, we went over to mos burger to get some of their fat chunky fries (which leads to fat chunky me? hmm..). but it was all worth it because i could be in my darling's company for much longer than usual. heheh. i love him so much lah, seriously.

some photos!





okay that is ALL! bye!

i am bored, this is what i do.

ok i was wrong, it is worth it.

ARGH KNNCCB.

as great as the happy moments can be,
sometimes i feel that they're not worth it compared to how painful it is when things go awry.

a positive change.

okay, it's about time this blog had some cheer and laughter! :):)

today started off pretty rocky for me, beginning with me having inadequate sleep. i was also resentful of the fact that alfiyan was too tired to talk to me a bit longer the night before, but eventually it died down, thanks to my darling's patience and love in pacifying me. i love him so so much lor!

well anw throughout the whole day i was still pretty sad thinking about how the time spent with alfiyan will be lessened to a large extent now but our evening together made up for everything! first of all, he bought me this really cute cookie in the shape of a smiley face which made my face literally light up:



then, he sacrificed going for his religious class just so we could enjoy each other's physical presence and company much longer than planned. it was really sweet of him and such a pleasant surprise for me! and so we decided to have waffles at gelare, since it's half price tuesday, which were so yummy. :)

SEE:



and this is my handsome alfiyan putting his money away:



after which alfiyan walked me home right to my staircase and we shared numerous hugs and kisses which i found very enjoyable. hehe.

hoping.

i know i'm probably imagining things, but i'm getting this vibe that he doesn't love me as much as he used to. here are some of the reasons why:

1. me gaining weight, turning me into a jack black look-a-like.
2. increased exposure to my monthly pms which never fails to cause him to hate me
3. him finding other areas in life in which he obtains more pleasure from
4. him feeling too controlled by me in that he is obliged to always have to sms or call me. - this is pretty true, lately i notice that he won't do so spontaneously or out of his own will, often i have to prompt or whine or grumble at him just to get him to call.

i guess i really should stop being too dependent on him, it's making him all rimas and if i don't ease up, he might just want to swat me away like the annoying fly i am.

i wish i had a best friend still.

so what's new?

hmm.. my family and i spent our weekend over at novotel clarke quay again for reasons i fail to grasp. so what if we get to stay in a hotel room? there's no privacy and not enough beds for everyone to have a good night's rest. and most importantly i can't talk to alfiyan as leisurely as i'm able to in the comfort of my room (which has time and time again resulted in dissatisfaction and arguments between the two of us).

and because of our stay also, i have gained even more weight, adding on 3 or 4 more layers of fat on my already fat-laden body thanks to the buffet dinner and lunch that we had at the hotel's coffeehouse. sigh.

we also went to vivocity where i bought a new polka-dotted skirt (which i now realise may be something that i may not be able to pull off after all) and a pair of proper sandals (as opposed to the "bathroom" slippers that i usually wear). i can't wait to work and earn money to buy all the nice expensive stuff that i desire to own, like that Guess handbag, wallet, Papillio slippers, etc.

in other news, alfiyan has just started his temporary job at IRAS, which means i can only see him for a couple of hours each day during the week. the weekends aren't all that much better either since right now alfiyan will be busy preparing for a maulud ceremony in which he has to initiate the reading. as proud as i am of him, the prospect of not being able to spend as much time as i want to with him has sort of pushed me into the realm of melancholy.

but oh, well. what else can i do but just get used to it and make the most out of the little time that we'll have with each other?

just thinking about the time spent apart from alfiyan is making me miss him already. :( i love him so much!

well ok i better go concentrate on my sociology lecture now. later!

p.s. i realised that most of my entries nowadays are rather depressing. i guess the only times when i feel the need to blog is when i'm in such a state, and especially regarding issues that i do not wish to discuss with anyone else to avoid conflicting opinions from causing arguments.

bye, then.

yayyy i'm feeling better now, thanks to my darling (as usual)! =)=)

i love mohd alfiyan so so very much.

HUGS!

highlighted below are the PMS symptoms that i am experiencing: psychological symptoms irritability nervousness lack of control agitation anger insomnia difficulty in concentrating lethargy depression severe fatigue anxiety confusion forgetfulness decreased self-image paranoia emotional hypersensitivity crying spells moodiness sleep disturbances fluid retention edema (swelling of the ankles, hands, and feet) periodic weight gain oliguria (diminished urine formation) breast fullness and pain gastrointestinal symptoms abdominal cramps bloating constipation nausea vomiting pelvic heaviness or pressure backache skin problems acne neurodermatitis (skin inflammation with itching) aggravation of other skin disorders, including cold sores neurologic and vascular symptoms headache vertigo syncope (fainting) numbness, prickling, tingling, or heightened sensitivity of arms and/or legs easy bruising heart palpitations muscle spasms other decreased coordination painful menstruation diminished libido (sex drive) appetite changes food cravings hot flashes so, i'm very very sorry if i get on your nerves because i am not my usual self. i hate PMS.

and one is left.

alfiyan has decided that blogging is not for him (obviously, judging from his absence *rolls eyes*). so i was contemplating whether this blog should be deleted (since nobody comes read it anw) and just create a blog of my own, but i decided against it because i'm just too lazy to go through all that length because of this disappointment.

but anw whatever. i can't force him to do everything i want him to because i don't own him or anything. i do still love him very much still, though. :) don't anybody get that wrong! lol.

on another note, i feel extremely fatigued nowadays. and PMS-y. so what's new eh? i hate this PMS experience, it always drains the energy out of me and makes me so, so, so depressed about myself and every single random thing. and the closest person to me, alfiyan, will always be the one to feel me wrath and it's making him hate me more and more with each passing month.

okay updated news: alfiyan has given me the green light to remove his account for this blog, so perhaps i'll just create a new blog after all. sigh. i feel depressed. and now alfiyan is saying that i keep making him feel sian by bringing up the issue of him not blogging anymore since he says he'll blog only when he feels like and that my PMS is getting out of hand. there's only so much he can take, he says.

i want to beat myself up to death, i swear. i hate my extended PMS every single month because my period is always, always late. why can't i have regular periods so that the duration of my PMS is shortened?

i hate myself.

this is me:

A BITCH.

i hate all of this. i'm sick of it. please stop. we're both lacking enough sleep already as it is.

pleaseplease stop.

i don't want it to end. i'm afraid it might. it's becoming too much to handle.

but i love him so much.

i want it to be forever.

bitter aftertaste of dreamgirls.

shit i think i need therapy.

i have an extremely negative body image, which, despite unrelenting effort from alfiyan, doesn't seem to improve.

thin and pretty = success.

fat and short (aka me) = failure.

sigh.